You have every right to say no, decline an invitation, and even change your mind later if you wish you hadn’t agreed to something in the first place no matter what anyone else tells you.

Being Kind doesn’t mean you can’t say No

The Golden Rule is one of the simplest rules, yet I believe it is one of the most important:  Do unto others as you would have others do unto you – meaning:  Treat others the way you would want to be treated. Being kind is paramount if you want to be a good person.

However, being kind doesn’t mean being a pushover. It also doesn’t mean agreeing to something to fulfill someone else’s desires when you don’t want to do what they are suggesting. Because being kind also means being kind to yourself.

Sometimes we think that saying no or declining an invitation doesn’t seem like a nice thing to do. We don’t want to disappoint others or seem ungrateful. But it’s okay to say no – in fact, it’s crucial – when that’s how we truly feel about something. We are being our authentic selves.

Here are some kind ways to say no or to decline an invitation:

1. Thank you so much for inviting me to your celebration. It sounds like a wonderful time. Unfortunately, I am not available that day/evening, so will be unable to attend.
   
   
2. Thank you for thinking of me. That is very kind of you. However, I’m sorry, I must decline. I am truly not a football fan and would rather you be able to offer your extra ticket to someone who would be thrilled to attend. Thank you again.
   
   
3. I’m sorry, but I am unable to pick you up at the moment. I have another commitment. I hope you will find another way to get home. (Can be used when someone only calls you when they want something from you – or for someone who does not respect the time or effort of others and tends to take advantage.)
   
   
4. I’m sorry I’m unable to lend you my car. I don’t lend my vehicle to anyone as I feel uncomfortable doing so. I hope you can understand. (Can be used when someone is a taker. They may or may not understand, but that is their concern, not yours.)
   
   
5. As much as I would like to, I can’t eat another bite. OR I’m sorry, I don’t drink. If you have water, an iced tea or a soda available, that would be wonderful. Thank you.

Even if you have agreed to do something or attend some event, if you feel afterwards that it is not for you or you don’t really want to do what you had committed to do, you are within your rights to change your mind and inform the other party that you now cannot do something or attend the event. Certainly, if you were feeling unwell, you would cancel. But, even if it is just something you really don’t want to do or no longer want to do, you can change your mind. I would suggest that for instances where a change of plan would hurt the other party in some way, that you consider either not breaking plans or find a solution that would remove any harm caused to the other party. We don’t want to purposely severely disappoint or cause distress to people we care about.

Saying No to group activities that you cannot afford

It is a wise person who declines participating in a group outing or activity that one simply cannot afford. You are not being a downer or poor sport; you are being true to yourself.

I have heard of instances where someone suggests a group of people (friends or colleagues, for example) go out for dinner and everyone can just split the bill. Many of us don’t drink or aren’t big drinkers or simply order light meals off a menu compared to others who may imbibe almost without limits or consume the richest of meals (ingredient-wise and cost-wise). If you fall within the former category, don’t feel guilty one minute about declining to join the group. Although you may miss out on what may be a fun time, any fun you would have would likely be overshadowed by your feeling of being out of your depth financially and by your budding resentment of those who are comfortable letting others subsidize their healthy appetites. It’s often the ones who consume the most that suggest this bill-paying model, isn’t it?

Another example of where we can get in over our heads is in gift-giving. Some people who have a lot of disposable income don’t think twice about giving extravagant gifts – not necessarily because they are more generous, but because the amount they spend would be a drop in the bucket to them. If we’re exchanging gifts with someone, the tradition is that each party spends a similar amount. Reciprocity is the goal here. Many of us do not have unlimited funds for discretionary spending. With those that you would want to exchange gifts with, you may find it worthwhile to have an honest conversation with them about your budget. If the other person cares about us, they will readily accept a reasonable gift spending limit and would understand completely. Sometimes people just don’t have an awareness and would actually appreciate our honesty.

Saying No to unreasonable requests

Occasionally people will ask things of us that are surprising and rather bold. You might just respond with an equally blunt comment and call it a day. You don’t owe the other person anything.

I once was doing a specific diet program that gave me great results. It was healthy eating that could be maintained for the long term, so not a “drop pounds quick” scheme. A colleague asked me how I lost the weight. I shared the name of the program with her and gave her details of how she could order the same program. The program included a high-quality book that you filled in with all your details. It was a one-time very reasonable and inexpensive cost that my colleague could, undoubtedly, afford. Instead of just appreciating the information I shared with her, she asked if she could just borrow my program book so she could photocopy it. I was quite taken aback by this unreasonable request. I was opposed to agreeing to her request for multiple reasons. It was a proprietary product for which I believed the creators should be compensated by those who benefitted from their program. It also had all my personal information filled in which I did not want to share with anyone. The book was tightly bound, so photocopying it would ruin its binding. So, I responded by telling her no and felt comfortable giving her the first two reasons.

Some requests from people are just not reasonable or acceptable. We should not second-guess ourselves when we refuse such requests.

The Most Important “No” for a Woman

A woman is always entitled to say no to requests for a date or to dance, unwanted sexual advances, or during any stage of sexual activity. Period.

Men (all other genders intended to be included here) are often the ones that do the asking of a woman for a dance or a date. They are taught (or should have learned) to be able to handle a woman’s rejection of their request graciously – not only because it’s proper behaviour but also because it is a woman’s inherent right to accept or reject any overture by another person. However, I expect every woman reading this has been subjected to a bad or even scary reaction from a man when we have turned them down. Not only that, but I expect every woman has felt the need to be as gentle as humanly possible in rejecting a man’s request. We’ve learned to be extraordinarily careful in how we reject a man’s advances because we’ve experienced bad reactions from them.

Years ago, I received a phone call at home from a man I hardly knew asking me for a date. I gently turned him down but still heard a tirade from him coming at me through the phone. This was when people had phones attached to the kitchen wall. I remember holding out the handset in mid-air as he screamed that I was an example of why men don’t like women and that I was a b****. We had no relationship at all with each other and still he had so much built-up animosity towards me that he released no holds barred. When I look back, I realize he was deeply disturbed and it wasn’t me, as an individual, that he was angry with. I believe he was likely angry at himself and blamed women as a whole for his unhappiness. It’s convenient for some to blame others for their situation. I imagine he was what is currently known as an “incel” (involuntarily celibate). Needless to say, I am glad I turned down a date with him.

On another occasion, a person I knew as an acquaintance when I was in college called me at my home. The only thing we had in common was that we were both single, I suppose. I had never shown any interest in him. He had the gift of the gab and was adept at steering conversations to go in a direction of his design, I learned. Near the end of the conversation, he had cleverly set the stage for me to agree to an outing/date with him by not leaving me any real room to turn him down. It would be like I was not reasonable if I didn’t agree to his proposition. Before we hung up, I had agreed to accompany him on an outing. After we hung up, I immediately felt a dread. I did not want to date this man. It felt like a master had coerced me. I did what I only could do in this circumstance. I called him back and told him that I changed my mind and was unable to go with him to wherever it was that he had proposed. Fortunately, he took my decision well. I felt so relieved to get out of this situation. I had never experienced such a dynamic before nor since. He must have been very experienced in doing this with women he wanted to date and also very experienced in having women cancel plans with him. Quite bizarre. No woman should ever feel she has to go through with something that her instincts are telling her she should get out of. Listen to your instincts as they are there to guide you. Never feel guilty about changing your mind and telling a man that you’ve changed your mind. It is entirely within your rights to do so. You would not be doing anything bad or mean to the man, absolutely not. You would be honouring your true self.

I remember chatting with my baby sister and her best friend (they were about 15 at the time) to give them some big sister advice about boys. We sat down at the kitchen table, and I told them that if they are ever being sexually intimate with a boy and they don’t want to go as far as having sexual intercourse, that they can tell the boy this beforehand or during the sexual activity. That they could say “No” at any time. They could even change their minds at any time during sex and say “No, I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to do this.” I was advising them about consent and that they had rights over their body all through any sexual interaction with a boy. They seemed to know about this when I told them, but I am still proud of this moment of caring for the well-being of my sister and her friend. I thought my advice might have a positive impact because it was from one young person to another

Saying “No” is not only a woman’s prerogative – as the old saying goes – it is our birthright. And, saying no doesn’t have to be a negative; it is quite often a positive.

You are the Light of your own Life and you are the one in charge of your own life.