You know, no one likes being criticized. It can often leave us feeling hurt, even angry.

We understand that we should expect to receive constructive criticism from our supervisor or manager at work, especially as part of our annual performance review. Constructive criticism, or feedback given in good faith, while sometimes difficult to hear, is a gift. Accepting and learning from this type of criticism can help us grow and become even more successful.

Then there’s unjustified criticism, which is not necessarily given by your boss but by anyone, such as colleagues, peers, friends, family members, acquaintances, and even strangers. This type of criticism is unexpected and is certainly not requested by the target of the criticism. Such cutting remarks are intended to belittle. They are purposefully mean, and they reveal one important thing:  the utterer is ill-equipped to be a decent human being in that moment.

You need to trust your gut in these uncomfortable situations. If you feel the person who insulted you meant to hurt you, you are most likely correct. We sometimes wrack our brain trying to figure out what we did to cause the person to say something so mean. But it is nothing we did that prompted the unjust criticism. It is a lack of personal development on the part of the person who issued the barb.

Or this may be a situation where you can see that the hurtful remark was uncharacteristic of the person, or you may be aware of their past experiences that would explain the comment. If it is possible to be empathetic and forgive the person for their failing because you understand who they really are deep down and know that they are not a bad person, then that is a wonderful way to move past the unfortunate experience.

An office colleague once said something very mean to me. I was hurt by their remark and was surprised that this person would talk to me the way they did. I spent a few sleepless nights trying to find a way to deal with how I felt about this incident because I had to regularly interact with this colleague at work. Finally, a light bulb went off. I knew that this co-worker had spent a number of years supervising youth. I imagined there could have been times when they issued stern directives. I felt that this instance could be a remnant from this person’s former role. When I could see how this slip up could easily happen, I decided I could move on and be okay about it. I am glad I came to this decision, as this colleague has since matured and come into their own, showing an abundance of kindness to others.

If the other person’s behaviour happens to be what they are all about, you may decide to limit your exposure to their presence. If they are a friend, they are not a faithful friend, and it is not worth keeping your friendship. (There are plenty of kind people in the world who know how to be wonderful friends). If they are a colleague, you can limit your interactions with them to what your job requires. If they are a member of your family, are you able to stop interacting with this person to protect your well-being?

In a different office job I had, I joined other women for lunch who worked for different organizations on the same floor. There was one woman I did not know very well and was not yet personal friends with. One day, she said something to me that was very rude and mean. I immediately did not feel very good at hearing her dig at me. Although I do not recall exactly what she said to me, I still remember how she made me feel. This experience embodied what Maya Angelou brilliantly remarked, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Well, I did not need to think twice about choosing not to become friends with her and avoided being in her company after that incident. I never regretted my decision to not include this person in my life and allow her another opportunity to degrade me.

I have observed that often when people lash out with uncalled-for mean remarks, it is a result of their own low self esteem. When they do not feel good about themselves, they develop jealousy of others. They think that if they belittle someone else, they will then feel superior, and their ego will be boosted nicely. Of course, I expect they only feel worse about themselves because they know they are not being kind. This is something we can remember whenever we are the recipient of an unwarranted criticism. It is a reflection of the person who utters the nasty remark and not at all a reflection on us.

When I was little, my parents told me that sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me. Perhaps you were taught this old rhyme, too. It was meant to help me shrug off name-calling directed at me and to feel okay because, at least, I was not hit, punched, or kicked. It did help me to cope. Most of us have been teased, mocked, or called names when we were children. As adults, we know that these childhood taunts were pathetic. But they were always hard to hear when we were children. I am so grateful that I was not subjected to actual bullying, which is so cruel and utterly dangerous to the person being bullied. Bullying is far more serious than childish name-calling and must never be tolerated.

It is true that words can hurt us even without any physical aggressiveness being involved. Mean words, heard just once, can have the power to crush someone’s sense of self worth. As women, we can protect our psyches by not internalizing the unjustified criticisms directed at us by others. Remember, it is a reflection of them, not you. Do not for a minute believe the insults that head your way. You are not going to soak up all that nonsense because you, my friend, do not deserve it and are lovable just the way you are.